Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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