Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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