It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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