i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
