two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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