She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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