Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
