According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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