But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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