I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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