The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
