I got chris browned last night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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