I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
