Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
