chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
