saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
