Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
