3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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