got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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