I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
