girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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