Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
