Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
