He uses pillows to masturbate.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
