i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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