I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
