just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
