I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
