My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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