so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
