Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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