I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
