Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
