Just fell off a train. Bad.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i believe in u and ur pee
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
