Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
