I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
