I must be too annoying 4 u.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
