Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
