the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i dont even know how to be here
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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