Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
