my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
