Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
