hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
