Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
