I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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