Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
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