I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
