The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
