I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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