I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Randomize
