Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
