I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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