Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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