woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
