you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
