There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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