i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
